Friday, July 29, 2016


     “Good evening and welcome back to Rio for the Women’s Final in the Over-the-Knee Bare Bottom Hairbrush Sixty Crack Sprint. I’m Ken Charles with my lovely and talented partner, seven time gold medalist Joyce Johns.

     “There are so many great events in the CP Olympics, but none get the blood moving quite as quickly as the Over-the-Knee Bare Bottom Sixty Crack Sprint. There is something special about those eight straight backed chairs, and those white button-down blouses and gray skirts.”

     “That’s right, Ken. This event was always one of my best. The Sprints always keep me on the edge of my seat.”

     “I thought you were having trouble sitting during the semi’s, Joyce. The Sprint uses a standard International Federation of Corporal Punishment Administrators Oval Oak Hairbrush with a thirteen centimeter by seven centimeter punishment surface. There are three parts to the scoring, accuracy, effect, and, of course, speed. For the accuracy portion, during the first thirty cracks the competitors must alternate between the left and right sides of the gluteal cleft. The remaining whacks are unrestricted, and may be delivered anywhere from two centimeters above the knee, to one centimeter below the tail bone. However, any strokes below the gluteal mounds are only counted at two-thirds of a stroke, meaning that the competitor must deliver three cracks to get credit for two. For a smack to count, the brush must be elevated to at least a full half meter.”

     “Some of you newcomers may wonder why a competitor would sacrifice speed by attacking the thighs. This is where the strategy elements of the Sprint come into play. The second scoring element is effect, and is measured in therms. Each target is wired to a highly sophisticated thermel that measures the change in surface temperature of the scoring area.”

     “Many of you may recall the tremendous controversy at the finals in Munich in ‘96, when Frankie Gascoigne lost the gold medal to home town favorite Gertrude Pforr by a tenth of point on hue, when Frankie drew a coffee skinned Jamaican drug runner and Gertrude worked over a virtually translucent Swedish embezzler. To prevent that kind of problem in the future, the Federation went from discoloration to heat discharge to measure effect. This means that a competitor has to decide whether to sacrifice speed for heat.”

     “The final scoring component is speed. And there is a lot of it at this level. It always amazes me that these competitors can deliver sixty to seventy smacks in just over a minute. The competition so far has been fierce, and not without some controversy.”

     “That’s right, Ken. In last night’s semifinals, Ingrid Johanssen, the Women’s All Around silver medalist at the 2015 World Championships, was disqualified for an illegal tail bone stroke. With only two events remaining including Women’s Birch where she is the prohibitive favorite to take her unprecedented fourth straight gold medal, she only needed to qualify for the Hairbrush Sprint finals in order to keep her hopes alive for capturing the gold in the Women’s All Around. But Ingrid has struggled this year in the hairbrush sprints, and last night was no exception. She only had to finish in the top four to qualify for the finals.   

      “Let’s watch the replay. Look at her concentration as she lowers the target’s panties. There’s the Amber light. Ingrid gets a good jump with a sound smack on the left cheek. She is a little low on the right, but comes back nicely centered on the left. You can see that she is not trying to win the heat, but rather just put together a solid round to advance. At twenty-one, she is already a stroke off the pace, but can still finish in the top four.

     “She is about a stroke and a half off the pace as she comes out of the thirty whack alternations. At about twenty-eight, she takes a quick look to check her position. Ingrid knows that she does not have blinding speed down the stretch so she decides to work the thighs for heat as her counter hits thirty and goes green. She gets in five really solid whacks down the right leg. But as she moves to the left, she mistimes her target’s kicking, and the stroke cuts too far inside. The target’s legs are splayed pretty far apart, and the top edge of the brush catches her privates. This stroke launches the target into a real frenzy and she almost wriggles right off Ingrid’s lap. She has to waste time pinning the target back down. Recognizing that there is no time left to work the left thigh, Ingrid launches a furious center line assault across the lower buttocks, lifting both cheeks with each crack. Knowing that several others must be nearing the wire, Ingrid tries to pick up a few more kelvins at the top of the target’s mounds.

     “Watch now at fifty-five. She goes for the top of the left buttock, but the target bucks and she just grazes the coccyx. The Ref immediately raises the red flag. Now watch Ingrid’s reaction. She sees the disqualification flag and, WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, and thunk, she dumps the target off her lap.”

     “Tough call by the Ref, Joyce.”

     “Yes, Ken, but it was the right call. The Swedish delegation threatened to pull out after the match, but a computerized review vindicated the Ref. I talked to Ingrid earlier today, and she agreed that it was the right call. She is putting it behind her, and is getting ready for tomorrow’s Birch finals.”

     “That is what the great one’s do, Joyce. But it looks like we are about ready. So turn up the air conditioners and let’s have at it. The targets’ tartan skirts are all pinned. The panties are lowered, and they’re off! A tremendous start for Dame Agatha Farhardt. Only five cracks in and you can practically feel the heat from her target’s rear from here. Ten smacks in and Farhardt has a half stroke lead over Dominique Rousseau. At the fifteen crack mark, Farhardt is maintaining the slightest of leads. Twenty smacks in, and Sophie Langeweg is pummeling her target. Farhardt appears to be lengthening her lead slightly at twenty-five, but Rousseau and Langeweg are hot on her heels. It’s Farhardt by almost a stroke at the halfway point. Thirty whacks in and Farhardt is still flailing away.”

     “Agatha is really on top of her game tonight. Look at the ripples after each whack!”

     “Forty-five cracks in, and it looks like Rousseau is starting to fade.”

     “Holy Sh... I mean gosh! Look at Anna Sarestoniemi storming up on the outside. Her single leg over has the target pinned flat, and her brush is just smoking!”

     “Sarestoniemi has just passed Langeweg. But it is too little, too late, as Dame Agatha Farhardt takes the gold with a blazing wire to wire performance. Anna Sarestoniemi takes the silver, and Sophie Langweg goes home with her second bronze of these CP Olympics. Coming up next, Men’s Semifinal action in Legs Up Strap.”

KC Copyright 8/29/12; Moral rights to be identified as the author of the foregoing story asserted worldwide (including in Great Britain in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act of 1988)     

Also check out Ken Charles' report on CP OLYMPICS-MEN’S COMPULSORIES IN CANE
on the SRECC.
Check out these favorite CP tales from Ken Charles:



Sunday, July 24, 2016


     “Good evening from the CP Olympics in Rio. Glad you could join us for this bonus coverage. I’m Ken Charles and this is my lovely and talented partner, seven time gold medalist Joyce Johns. We’re live at the end of the Men’s Compulsories in Cane. Where do we stand, Joyce?”

     “The final potential qualifier is Joichi Munakata. He can still advance. But he is going to need at least a five point nine if he is to have any hopes of catching Josef Noortwyck.

     “That will be difficult, Ken, but Joichi is up to it. He was simply brilliant on his way to the gold in last winter’s Asian championships. Joichi studied under the late great Henry Albert, the legendary Director of Singapore’s Department of Special Corrections.”

     “The target is locked in place. Her panties have been pulled taut. I’m a little surprised at his choice. Most competitors prefer a full, round bottom during the compulsories. But Joichi has elected to go with a fairly narrow, pear-shaped, boyish pair of buttocks. There certainly won’t be much room for error, Joyce.”

     “That’s right, Ken. But Joichi is such a technician, that he is counting on the narrow beam multiplier to bring his scores up.”
“For those of you who are just joining us from that stunning upset in the Women’s Fifty Lash Freestyle, this is the final qualifying round of compulsories in the Men’s Cane. Each competitor must make the same six strokes, using a standard International Federation of Corporal Punishment Administrators Fifth Form Rattan, which is marked with a two centimeter scoring zone. For the first five strokes, the competitor must strike the computer directed laser spot within three seconds after it appears on the target with the one centimeter red portion of the cane’s scoring zone.

     “On the sixth stroke, the computer will direct three spots in a diagonal line. The competitor must ‘bar the gate’ within three seconds. Cane uses the standard six point must system. There is a mandatory tenth of a point deduction if any portion of either of the half-centimeter white scoring zones touch the spot. Of course, no points are awarded for any stroke that does not land in the scoring zone, or which lands after the three second delivery period.”

     “The horn has sounded, and Joichi has taken his mark. He flexes the rod. There’s the spot and...Oh, Baby! That was beautiful!”

     “It certainly was, Joyce. Let’s take a look at the replay. Look at Joichi’s concentration. His weight is evenly distributed. There’s the spot. He rocks back slightly on his right foot, and then just explodes into that first one. He really nailed the spot right in the middle of the red zone!”

     “There’s the second spot, on the outside of the lower left cheek. Ohh. Looks like he pulled that one slightly.”

     “He sure did, Joyce. That’s the risk he took in choosing the narrower target. He’ll have no trouble with the center spots on the odd numbered strokes. But the two strokes to the outer edges are going to be a problem. The declivity of her cheeks produces a very difficult angle. Joichi does not have a clear view of this spot. You can see on the replay that he dropped the tip of the cane slightly to try to catch it, but the tip flares there right at the end, and he catches the lower white zone on the top of the spot. He lost that crucial tenth of a point.”

     “That’s a tough break, Ken. But at least he’ll get some of it back on the multiplier. There’s the third spot, center right and, Wow! I don’t think there is anyone who consistently drills center spots like Munakata. Watch the target’s head snap up with this one!”

     “You’re right, Joyce. He’s probably got the purest center stroke since Henry Albert. See how he keeps the wrist back until just before contact, then whap, he whips it forward powering through the stroke. Absolutely stunning form!”

     “There’s the fourth spot, outer right side, and...not bad. He barely got that one off, Ken.”

     “You can see on the replay that he still is debating even after the spot appears. Nothing fancy. Joichi knows that he has a pretty solid round going here, so he just makes sure he gets some red on the spot.”

     “Here’s the fifth spot, dead center, and ...pure Munakata!”

     “Simply incredible! Watch on the replay as Joichi snaps off this gem. He buckles her knees with this one. Look at the pure anguish on her face!”

     “That has to be worth a tenth of point by itself! She’s really sobbing. Look at that bottom shake. If she doesn’t compose herself soon, she may be in trouble. Yes, the Ref is giving her a warning for delay of game. She’s shaking her head, but if she doesn’t settle down in the next thirty seconds, she’s automatically going to receive three strokes with a strap! Look at Munakata. He is really irritated at the delay. He’s in a rhythm, and doesn’t want to break it.

     “Okay, it looks like she is about ready. The Ref has adjusted her panties, and checked with Munakata. Joichi has taken his mark. We’re set. There’s the line, and ...Holy Shit! He split the panties!”

     “What a performance! We haven’t seen that since Oswald Hepple in Munich in ‘96! And Hepple has at least eighty pounds on Munakata. That was unbelievable!”

     “And with the narrow beam multiplier, the scores reflect it, Ken. Six, six, five point nine five, five point eight and six for a five point nine eight and a trip to the finals. I don’t know where the Austrian judge came up with a five point eight, but it won’t matter, as Munakata advances. I’m still shaking, Ken.”

     “That wraps it up for the second qualifying round in Men’s compulsories in cane. Join us on Thursday for the finals. Good night from Rio.”
“Three, two, one, we’re clear. Uh, Joyce, don’t leave yet. The producer wants to see you to discuss your ‘holy shit’ comment. Oh, one more thing, he said to bring your hairbrush.”

KC Copyright 7/29/12; Moral rights to be identified as the author of the foregoing story asserted worldwide (including in Great Britain in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act of 1988)      


Check out these favorite CP tales from Ken Charles:



Friday, March 11, 2016

Ballroom caning from The Mercies of Cinderella by Ken Charles

     It had the curious appearance of a ballroom dance. The twelve hand selected members of the Prince’s personal guard, in their finest dress uniforms, strode into the Court in two files of six. Each carried a four foot long cane at his side. As the two columns approached the thrones, the last in line stopped. Every four steps thereafter, the next in line from the rear would stop, until the first in each line stopped ten paces from the thrones. The guards then took two steps apart, clicked their heels once, then froze in rigid attention. Cinderella’s twelve Ladies in Waiting, dressed in diaphanous translucent white camlets, entered next in two files of six. When each had taken a place next to one of the guards, the Ladies curtsied to Prince and Princess.


     The Ladies turned around in unison, and bent over and grabbed their ankles. Each guard then parted his partner’s camlet at the rear, exposing twelve lovely pairs of creamy white orbs. The guards snapped back to attention as Captain of the Guard came forward, and bowed to the Prince and Princess. Captain of the Guard turned and addressed the twelve pairs.

     “It is the duty of a Lady in Waiting to attend to the needs and desires of her mistress. But the paramount duty of every Lady, which rises above tending to the needs or desires of her mistress, is to ensure the safety and well being of her mistress, even when it might conflict with a Lady’s other duties. In this regard, these Ladies have failed their mistress. While the fault might not be entirely their own, there is still a price to be paid for such negligence.”

     Cinderella felt tears welling up. She had not told any of them what she intended when she went for her ride. Indeed, until she gave Snow Princess her apple, she had not even thought of such a misadventure. It was not fair that her Ladies should have to pay for her misdeeds.

     “Assume positions. One!”


     Twelve simultaneous cracks echoed through the Court, accompanied by twelve concurrent gasps.



     Twelve red lines appeared an inch below twelve others. Twelve more gasps were followed by several intermittent sobs.



     The Prince and Princess looked out at thirty-six fiery bars.



     A dozen yelps, and a dozen more crimson weals leapt to the fore.



     Tears fell readily as a fifth line blazed forth, forming a dozen perfect staffs for musical compositions.



     A dozen vicious diagonal cuts barred the gates. The guards snapped back to attention, as Captain of the Guard turned back to the Prince.

     “A full measure, Milord, as ordered. Does it meet with Milord’s satisfaction?”

     “Well done, Captain of the Guard. You may dismiss your troops.”

     Captain of the Guard bowed, and turned to his troops.

     “Company dismissed.”

     The guards clicked their heels, then retreated in the reverse order from their entry, leaving the weeping Ladies bent over on display. When the last of the guards had left the Court, Captain of the Guard turned back to the Prince and Princess, bowed, and took his leave.

    The Prince rose. “I leave you, Milady, to deal with your Ladies further as you deem meet and proper.”

     Cinderella rose and curtsied to the Prince.

     The Prince left the Court to the fanfare of a dozen muted sobs. Once the great hall doors closed behind him, Cinderella ran down the steps to the center of the room.

     “Come to me!”

     The Ladies ran to Cinderella and hugged her and each other. Together they cried.


Ready to read the rest?

Sunday, March 6, 2016


     A publishing contract is like any other contract. It establishes a business relationship between the author and the publisher. It is not an admission to a private social club. Although an author may feel privileged and proud to have a work under contract, the purpose of the contract is to exploit and disseminate the author’s work, not to stroke the author’s or the publisher’s egos.

I. “Shall” vs. “May”

     The publishing contract sets out the road map for the parties’ dealings, specifying what actions are required and so must be performed, and what actions are permitted and so are within the parties’ contemplation, but may or may not occur. Mandatory or required actions are frequently, though not exclusively, found in a clause containing the word “shall”.

Section 3--Within ten (10) days of the execution of this Agreement,  Author shall deliver three, right justified, printed copies of the Work on 17”x 23.529411” green paper to Publisher at Suite 123, Drilling Platform 138, North Sea.

Under this Section 3, the Author is required to deliver three copies of the work in a specific form, at a specific place, within a specified time period. Failure to perform any of these requirements constitutes a breach of the contract. Even though 20” x 20” paper has the same total surface area as 17” x 23.529411” paper, Author is required to use the latter paper.

     Permissive actions are frequently, though not exclusively, found in a clause containing the word “may”.

Section 4—Author may, in its sole discretion, substitute an electronic copy in PDF format for any written document or notice required or permitted to be sent under this Agreement. Any such substituted document or notice may be sent by facsimile transmission or e-mail in accordance with the contact provision of Section 3, 287 of this Agreement.

Under this Section 4, Author has the right, but not the obligation, to fax or email a document, rather than send a printed copy.

II. Basic Contract Construction

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride (1987)

     The primary purpose of putting the parties’ agreement into writing is to make the parties’ rights and obligations clear. Unfortunately, sometimes the agreement isn’t as clear as the parties expected. Courts assume that everything in a contract was put there for a reason. Accordingly, wherever possible, a court will attempt to give meaning to every word in a contract. Therefore, just because the parties may disagree as to the meaning of a contract clause, it does not follow necessarily that the contract clause is ambiguous or unenforceable as written.

     Courts rely on a number of different kinds of rules for interpreting a contract. The most important rule, of course, is one that supports your position. That said, let’s take a look at a few of the more common rules.

     The first rule of contract construction is that there is no need to interpret a contract if the meaning is clear. Words are given their plain and ordinary meanings. If a simple reading will suffice, then a court will look no further.

Section Five—Author shall stand on the corner of Fifth Ave and Main Street in a chicken suit for one hour, commencing at 1:00 p.m. central standard time, on the third Tuesday in each calendar month containing the English letter “Y”.

This Section Five provides clear and unmistakable direction. Author is required (“shall”) to stand in a specified place, at a specified time, for a specified duration, in a specified manner of dress. There is no question as to Author’s obligations under this clause. A court will not resort to any rules of interpretation beyond the plain and ordinary meaning of the words in the clause. (The wisdom of such a clause is not the court’s concern. The clause was important to the parties or it wouldn’t have been included in the contract.)

     If there is some question as to a party’s rights or obligations under a particular contract clause, the next step is for a court to look at the contract as a whole to determine the meaning of clause.

“The maxim noscitur a sociis, that a word is known by the company it keeps, while not an inescapable rule, is often wisely applied where a word is capable of many meanings in order to avoid the giving of unintended breadth…”  JARECKI v. G. D. SEARLE & CO., 367 U.S. 303 (1961)

     The meaning of general words that follow specific ones is limited by the meaning of the specific words.
"The rule of ejusdem generis, while firmly established, is only an instrumentality for ascertaining the correct meaning of words when there is uncertainty. Ordinarily, it limits general terms which follow specific ones to matters similar to those specified...” Gooch v. United States, 297 U. S. 124, 297 U. S. 128 (1936)
Similarly, contract clauses that are specific take precedence over general clauses (generalia specialibus non derogant rule). Although the Publisher may have the general right to control the cover design, if the Author has the right to review or reject a cover, that exception will take precedence.

     Another rule of construction worth noting is the rule that “the expression of one thing excludes other things” (expressio unius est exclusio alterius). Sometimes, what isn’t included in a contract is just as important as what is. When a contract clause expressly provides that the Publisher has the right to do “A”, “B” and “C”, then it does not have the right to do “D”. If the Publisher has the right to review and correct the text, that does not mean that it has the right to line edit and change those portions of the text that are not erroneous. The right to correct means that the Publisher can fix mistakes such as closing open quotations and replacing misspelled words with the proper spelling. It doesn’t mean it can change the Author’s word choices.

     Finally, while there are other rules of construction, one rule particularly needs mentioning. When all else fails, and a contract provision’s meaning is still unclear, then a court will construe a contract against the party that drafted the provision (contra preferentem rule). In most cases, the contract will be drafted by the publisher, and presented to the author on a “take or leave it” basis. In such a case, where any doubt remains as to the meaning of a clause, the court will construe the provision in question against the publisher.

III. The Zipper Clause

"Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-... That's all, folks." Porky Pig

     Somewhere near the end of the contract, there is probably a “zipper” clause. The zipper clause (also known as a “merger clause” or “integration clause”) states that the contract represents the entirety of the parties’ agreement. Any other writings or representations to the contrary are of no force or effect. What the court sees is what it gets. A strong zipper clause can cause a court to ignore evidence about what was discussed in the formation of the contract (parol evidence).

     It is important before signing a contract with a zipper clause to make sure that the contract fairly and accurately reflects Author’s negotiations with Publisher. If the Publisher talked about sending Author to an all expenses paid writer’s retreat in Fiji, it better appear in the contract. If it doesn’t, Author will not be permitted to argue, “But they said they would. That’s why I signed the contract.”

IV. Non-compliance – Cure – Termination of Agreement

“Once more unto the breach” Shakespeare

     A failure to follow the requirements of a contract is known as a “breach”. While every breach of a contract constitutes some kind of violation of a party’s rights or responsibilities, there is no hard and fast rule about the parties’ course of conduct following a breach. Some breaches can be fixed or “cured”. Other breaches cannot be fixed, and may lead to claims for damages and/or termination of the contract.

     How the parties respond to different breaches depends in part on their general course of dealings. If the parties have been dealing professionally and respectfully with each other, then it is more likely that minor breaches such as sending a document a day late where time is not of the essence will be ignored by the receiving party. However, where there is antipathy between the parties, even minor breaches may become major issues.

     Treating the other party professionally is more than a mere platitude or common sense. I recently had a problem with a publisher that had total control over the cover of one of my works. When I raised my concerns over the proposed cover with the publisher, instead of attempting to address those concerns, the publisher claimed its rights to control the cover under the contract. However, instead of stopping at an assertion of its rights, the publisher chose to add in gratuitous ad hominem attacks on me for having the audacity to question its judgment. When the publisher committed several breaches of the contract that were time sensitive and could not be fixed or cured prospectively (a bell once rung cannot be unrung), I exercised my right to terminate the agreement. Had the publisher addressed my concerns over the cover in a professional manner, even if I was unhappy with the final result, I might have been more forgiving of their subsequent breaches.

     Some contracts may include specific procedures for handling alleged breaches. For example, a clause may require the aggrieved party to notify the offending party of the nature of the breach, and give the offending party a certain amount of time to fix or cure the problem. However, if the breach is not cured in a timely manner, the offended party may be entitled to certain specified damages, or may even be entitled to terminate the contract. If there are specific procedures in the contract for raising the issue of a breach with the other party, then the complaining party may be required to follow those procedures before seeking relief in a court.

V. And in Conclusion…

     The best contract is one that the parties never need to consult. By maintaining a professional relationship, it may be possible to resolve many issues without ever resorting to the agreement. However, if it becomes necessary to review the contract, then be sure to read not only any provision in question, but also any other provisions that may help you understand it. Finally, when in doubt, don’t be afraid to consult with legal counsel.

Copyright CK 2/19/12

Wednesday, August 19, 2015


                They went to Europe and kicked Fascists’ and Nazis’ asses. They went to the south Pacific and fought off hoards of slant-eyed devils. They came home and got houses and cars and a wife and two kids. Their word at home was the law. They got middle level management jobs and spanked and screwed their secretaries. They said hosannas at the feet of Joe McCarthy. All was right with the world. Then the world passed them by.
                The 1960’s came and their world ended. Suddenly they couldn’t refuse to hire minorities or give all of the choice work solely to white males. You could even get sued for pinching your secretary’s ass. Then by the time free love came into vogue, their hair lines were receding and their washboard abs were washed out.
                It only got worse over the next two decades. Sure they learned how to use a Dictaphone. But they still had to call their kids to come over and hook up the VCR and the Atari. Then came the computer age. The more adventuresome had the kids set up an AOL account. Some of them actually learned how to send an email.
But technology was moving too quickly. Computers shrank in size and phones grew beyond Alexander Graham Bell’s wildest imaginings. Information was too readily available to too many people. But too much information is overwhelming. People needed an escape from reality, at least for a couple of hours. And thus was born the Massive Multiplayer Online Role Play Game. While providing peace of mind to countless youth, it did nothing to alleviate the mental anguish of The Greatest Generation who don’t live grafted to their computers and smart phones. MMORPG didn’t work because the “O” was missing from their lives. Fox News gallantly rose up and filled the void.
                MMORPGs create fantasy worlds where you can travel to other worlds, shoot monsters, engage in felonies without fear of punishment, wage war, and make love without worrying about safe sex. Fox News provides an idyllic world where the 1950’s are brought back to life. For hours every day, one can sit back and listen to vapid blondes talking about how a woman can only be happy if she is married and how she needs to submit to her husband. Balding, overweight men will pontificate about the evils of premarital sex, abortion,  welfare, immigration and the relentless war on Christianity. In short, Fox News is nothing more than a Massive Multiplayer Role Play Game.

                Instead of letting Fox News raise your blood pressure because of a lack of factual foundation for their reporting, just recognize Fox News for what it is, a MMRPG. Facts have no relevance. In a fantasy world, the world builders control reality. Accordingly, the facts are whatever the world builders want them to be. If they want pigs to fly, then pigs will fly. If they think taking healthcare away from millions of people and controlling a woman’s body is best for society, then these things, indeed, are best for society. Just remember that it is only best for society so long as you remain immersed in the MMRPG. Once you reenter the real world, just as it is no longer permissible to steal cars or blow things up, the Fox News fantasies must be left behind.

CK Copyright 2015; Moral rights to be identified as the author of the foregoing story asserted worldwide (including in Great Britain in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act of 1988) 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015


Alexx Starnes and I are proud to announce our new children's book is available at Amazon.

Seven short stories about the adventures of Oswin Waddles, the manx kitten adventurer. With her best friend Puffie the Fluffie, Oswin explores, hunts, decorates a cake, designs jewelry and makes new friends. She learns valuable life lessons along the way.

Includes genuine color photos of the black and white kitten. 

Sunday, June 7, 2015


     Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be known as busybodies. Notwithstanding, it is time to put an end to the conservative Christians’ persecution by the secular left. As a lifelong member of the latter, it behooves me to take a stand before it is too late. Since the 2016 elections are looming, we need to end the war now so that at least a small portion of the election season can be devoted to addressing real issues. Accordingly, let me proffer a two pronged olive branch in the interests of peace as follows:
     Let us take a moment to explore Plan A. This Plan has only two prerequisites. First, the conservative Christians (hereinafter referred to as the “Persecuted”) need to prove the existence of their deity. Objective proof of the existence of the Persecuted’s deity will go a long way towards forcing the narrow minded secular lefties to consider the potential benefits to establishing and enforcing the dictates of a theocracy.
     Second, the Persecuted need to prove their credentials to make representations on behalf of the deity established in step one. Unfortunately, just proving the existence of their deity will not suffice, since there are over 40,000 different Christian sects and countless non-Christian sects. Accordingly, if the Persecuted want the slavish devotion of secular lefties, they must demonstrate that their word is the one, true, infallible Word.
     Given the difficulties in providing proof of the existence of the Persecuted’s deity, let us take a moment to consider Plan B. Plan B is really simple. All the Persecuted have to do is acknowledge that not everyone agrees with them. Given the aforesaid over 40,000 Christian sects alone, even the Persecuted do not agree amongst themselves. This lack of agreement or even consensus need not affect the Persecuted’s core beliefs. It only requires them to accept that their beliefs are only their beliefs, and that said beliefs may not be shared by others. The secular lefties already understand that not everyone believes exactly what they believe.
     In practice, accepting the concept that other people may not share the Persecuted’s beliefs will require some behavioral modifications. The Persecuted’s deity always agrees with whatever the Persecuted want. It hates whatever the Persecuted hate. But this personalized deity only works for the Persecuted, and not for anyone else. Accordingly, when making representations on behalf of the deity, the Persecuted will have to learn to use the possessive adjective “my”. For example, “My God hates ______ (insert appropriate hated object, i.e. Jews, Blacks, Feminists, non-sculpted body types, avocados, Jayhawks).” Eventually, the repeated use of the adjective “my” will help the Persecuted understand just how narrow minded, bigoted and obnoxious they are when directing, commanding or dictating how everyone who is different from the Persecuted has to live her or his life.
     Once the Persecuted accept the simple concept that not everyone agrees with them, the “War on Christians” will be over. A brave new world of perceptions will arise in which everyone is entitled to their own beliefs without the need to reinforce their insecurities over said beliefs by forcing others to join in said beliefs. AND THE LAND SHALL KNOW PEACE AT LAST.

CK copyright 2015. Moral rights to be identified as the author of the foregoing article asserted worldwide (including in Great Britain in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act of 1988)